THOUGHTS & INTROSPECT

NB: This is going to be a jumbled read. Beloved, I hope I wont lose you in this maze!!!

Dealing with grief is never  easy 

I have been  down in a bottomless pit

All I feel is darkness and emptiness

Emotions all over, I wail from time to time. Easy Breakdown? Is this the new me. I ponder.

I don't wanna dress up or do any make up. Just get up bath and be basic is my new instinct. The back of my mind reminds me that I should write a blog but I fail. I postpone.  I just wanna hide  and be far from the madding crowd. The loss, the pain, the drama and the emotional burden. I feel like I can never revert to normal. Can I just default back to my normal?? I drink, I smoke but does that take away the sad reality. I lied to myself  that I am a composed being, Everyone surely does have a breaking point. This entry has been in the drafts for a whooping three months. Procrastination has became the story of my life😕.I am struggling with deadlines anyway.

Go well my darlings, you have made me look at life differently. I now appreciate every second we had and every other I have with my favs. Growing up I remember every December holiday we were supposed to ( it was a must ) go to home (rural), During my pre-teens and my teens I despised it, because I was young ,stupid, suffered from peer pressure because of course being associated with amakhaya wasn't cool amongst my suburban friends. First thing they would notice when you get back was always how bad I had gained melanin  or how dry and scratched your skin was. Then you automatically  feel bad for running after the goats😂, climbing  and falling from trees. Oh man, I really used to behave like a boy. But as I got older, I cherished those moments, scars and times spent with my family. The moments I got to bond with my grandma and great grandma. Now, I literally go and spend a whole month without thinking twice. Faraway from the hustle and bustle of the city. Since I am too old to be running after the goats , I am always home or with my granny asking me about my boyfriend, why I love academics so much and of course when I am going to get married, settle down and have kids. I start waffling about how I want to thrive in academia and almost always get away with it(with a stern warning against romanticizing loneliness). Sometimes I take a walk up the hill and sit / lie down  on my favorite rock and let my life run through my brain uninterrupted. I used to be mad at my parents for structuring the holidays in such a way but to this very day I am grateful. I have experienced both the burbs and the rural , on any day I will prefer the latter as long as I have my pc, my phone and  data.   

This thing of going to boarding school most of your life, I hated or still hate rather cooking by my granny taught me, On the other hand my beloved Nosipho used to praise my cooking. Each time we share a meal she jokingly and sarcastically says " wena suvuthiwe"😂. Meaning that I am ready for marriage, and I always responded to it with a shrug. After that we get along because of my fashion sense and how easily I can doll myself up. Then we argue about how i shape shift from being drop dead gorgeous and straight to looking like I am homeless.

My darlings, you fought a good fight. I loved you to the very end.

During my mourning period, I have always wanted to be alone. I enjoyed/ still enjoy solitude. Being on my own has taught me so much about myself, the things I like, how strong I am, how resilient I am, and knowing that I’d be able to survive alone on a desert island – if only for a week or so. We all want love and companionship, and I don’t know if that is a thing that will ever happen for me, but at least I know that I am enough for myself.